A Freely Heart in A Glimpse of Pain

Memories of pain…

“I can still remember how I prayed and wished for someone who can teach me how to love and there you were. You came not just to teach but more than what I had asked and you gave the love i need that’s still here.

Did I ever tell you I like the way you called me “Windi”? You showed the child in me that I did not see. You stood not just as a brother but more than a best friend for me and you did everything just to see me happy.

But things were not easy and we knew that there is time for everything. So we had no choice but to embrace it with our own understanding. We were in different worlds and met in difficult time but still I’m hoping everything will be ours in due time.

And on your special day what’s all i can say is that I’m ever thankful I became part of you. In you, I can talk and take stand what I believe is true. In you, I can walk and surpass what I am going through. In you, I can paint colors in life that i used to see as blue. And in you I can see more things to be grateful of, too.

I keep on loving you, that’s all I can do for it is my pleasure and part of my dream is being with you. When everyone is going to count you out, I’m always here to ring the bell for you.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

It’s been two years since I wrote this for someone. Yes, I have loved him so much. I did not know I can do different things because of loving him. I did not know I can draw faces until I finished drawing his face. I used to be happy with him as if there’s no tomorrow. But life is not what you expect. The person that used to be my hero became a villain. The person that used to build my dreams tore me down. The person that used to make me laugh made me cry my heart out.

I was the only one who wanted to grasp what we had. It’s selfishness. I wanted to build the plans that we made for us but the truth is he wanted to build the plans with someone else. I was not the one for him. It’s the reality that has bitten me and almost crushed me.

I cried a lot. There was a time that I suddenly burst into tears. Yes, I have loved him so much but I realized I was not free. I am imprisoned with so much insecurity. I am covered with fear…an indication that there was something wrong. I opened my eyes. I listened to my heart.

It’s about time to free myself.

I underwent so much pain because of him but I don’t have any hatred in my heart. Like what Martin Luther King Jr. is saying “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great burden to bear.”  Everyone has a choice. This is my choice. For some reasons, I don’t want to fill my heart with so much anger. Yes, I admit that I was torn into pieces because of what happened. But it is in forgiving that you can be free.

Two years had passed. And yet all the memories are still fresh but the pain that used to stab my heart is now fading. In my heart, I know I am slowly getting to what my heart desires… to be free…

All I have to do is to apologize because I knew I also had caused him so much pain; to forgive him for everything and to forget… not to forget him but to forget all the wrongs that he did. After all, he was part of myself of becoming a better person…

And always believe to like what James Allen is saying “in the ocean of life the isle of blessedness are smiling and the sunny shore of your ideals awaits your coming”.

True love waits… in a long run, you’ll meet the person who is meant for you…

HH 101

Ang lungkot ng panahon, naririnig mo ang pagpatak ng ulan kaalinsabay ng tibok ng puso mong bumibilis at minsang animo’y hihinto. Naguguluhan ka na naman ba? Naiintindihan kita. Natatakot ka na naman noh? May nangyari na naman ba or may naringgan ka na naman ba?

Gusto mo ba ng makakausap? Yun tipong, pakikinggan ka lang at hindi ka huhusgahan? Gusto mo ba ng dadamay sa’yo upang maibsan ang pighati na nasa iyong katauhan? ‘Wag kang ganyan. Matalino ka, pero asan na? Bakit mo hinahayaang manguna ang puso mo kaysa sa utak? Tandaan mo, ang utak nasa ulo, ang puso nasa dibdib, ibig sabihin, mas gamitin mo ang utak mo kaysa puso. Kung hindi yan para sa’yo, di yan mapapasaiyo. Kung mapasa’yo man, panandalian lang ang kasiyahan.

Ang buhay, parang laro yan. Dapat marunong ka, dahil kung hindi matatalo ka.  Sa mundong ito, dapat marunong kang sumabay sa agos, dahil kung hindi lalamunin ka ng mundo. Magpakatatag ka. Hindi ka dapat sumusuko. Ilang beses ka ba na iiyak? Hindi mo ba alam, na sa bawat luhang pumapatak sa iyong mga mata, higit ang sakit na aking nadarama. Gusto kitang pangitiin pero hindi mo naman ako nakikita. Ano bang problema?

Alam ko, mahal mo ang iyong pamilya. Pero kung minsan, kailangan mo rin asikasuhin ang sarili mo. Alagaan ang sarili, dahil isa rin iyan sa puhunan mo. Pag bumigay ang katawan mo, paano mo pa matutulungan ang mga nanay? Wag mong hayaang lamunin ng utak mo ang katawan mo… Manghihina ka niyan.

Ang pag-ibig di mo masabi kung kailan dumarating. Paano kang magmamahal kung hindi mo naman mahal ang sarili mo? Ilang beses ka ng nasaktan dahil sa nangyayari. Pero ikaw pa mismo ang gumagawa ng ikasasakit mo. Tandaan mo, ang tulad mo iniingatan, inaalagaan. Pero sa ginagawa mong ‘yan, sinisira mo ang buhay mo.

Mag-isip ka. Hindi sa lahat kailangan mong maging ideal, mapatrabaho man o mapakung anuman. Gumising ka sa katotohanan. Dapat marunong kang dumiskarte. Kung hindi, mamatay kang nakadilat ang mata. Baka ang mission mo sa buhay na ito ay tumulong sa mga  nangangailangan. Kailangan ka ng pamilya mo. Kailangan mong magpakatatag.

Bakit hindi ka makapagsalita? Kung dito ka lang magtatrabaho, walang mangyayari sayo. Mag-isip ka. Timbangin mo ang mga bagay-bagay. Bata ka pa, marami ka pang magagawa at marami ka pang matutulungan. Ano man nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, magpakatatag ka. Manalig ka lang sa Kanya dahil ginagabayan ka niya.

-HH, 2009

Ewan ko Sa'yo, Ang Gulo mo!

Kung minsan, kailangan mong masaktan bago ka may matutunan.Life is fair di tulad ng sinasabi ng karamihan. Oo, umiiyak ka pero hindi ibig sabihin, mahina ka na. Isa lang itong paraan upang makawala ang anu man nilalaman ng iyong puso. Sa isang pagkakaibigan, nagkakatampuhan, natural lang yan. Nag-aasaran, natural lang yan. Ang isang relasyon na wala man lang kaunting pait, iba na ata yan. Baka hindi pala yan "Crafted by God". 

Bigla akong napahinto... ano nga bang meron ako? Gusto kong lumayo, una kong naisip. Mahirap magpigil, baka biglang sumabog, at hindi mamalayang saan na pala ako dalhin ng aking mga paa. Nilibot ng tingin ang paligid. Hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Nakakainis! idinidikta ng aking isip. Nakakapagod, daing ng aking katawan. kahit puso ko'y, naipong galit ibig ipahayag. Subalit bumulagta ang katotohanang ang hina ko pala. Sa liit ng mga panahong muli ay nakasama, ang kitid ng espasyong aking inilalaan sa kanya.Ngayon ko napagtanto, hindi ako nag-iisa, siya man at sila ay nakakaramdam din pero kahit magkaganun man, nakukuha nilang maging masaya na kasama siya. Bakit nga ba dagling nilimot ang magaganda sa kanya at tanging kabaligtaran ang pilit na inaalala? Mahina ka! Nagpupumiglas na salita. 

Masyado kang makasarili. Masyado kang naging manhid. Ang taong katulad niya, bibihirang makakahanap ka. Minsang magpapangiti at magpapaiyak. Kumpleto na! Isang taong aalalahanin ka may kailangan sayo o wala. Hindi mo man aminin, nararamdaman mong minamahal ka rin niya.

Sa paglabo ng paningin dahil sa pagluha, ay siya namang paglinaw ng lahat sa aking gunita... 

A Story of A Girl (Part 2) Journey begins...

"There can be miracles, when you believe." A miracle is a miracle. Love and blessings abound. I can say that I am truly blessed. God loves me so much that He let me experienced hardships. He let me bore so much pain. He let me broke my heart and torn into pieces. 

There was a time, I felt worthless. I was like a person who has taken away her dream. I felt helpless. I had to do things against my will. The most fearful thing I had never imagined. I stopped being a student.

I thought of responsibility... responsibility of helping my family financially. I worked hard and yet was not enough. I worked as a sales representative. I knocked every house just to earn money for my sister's tuition fee. Under the heat of the sun, with the dust clinging to my skin I endured it just to earn hundreds. 

Three years in that company was not a good thing. One friend of mine thought of my future so he helped me to leave the Philippines. But who have thought that being a domestic helper was the solution just to escape the reality of being a sales agent (one day millionaire). I left with a heavy heart in a second time around. 

I went to Saudi Arabia with the hopes of saving money for my family. I love my family so much that I will do everything for them. Working in faraway kingdom was very hard. Every night was terrible. I always cry. But even I cried as hard as I could, nothing changed. I was a domestic helper who just earned ten thousand pesos. I wanted to give up. I told to myself, this was not the thing I wanted for my life. My mind wanted to give up. My body weakened and even my tear duct wanted to surrender. Every night I talked to God and ask why? But I never listened to Him.

I went home with my mind full of whys. I went home with nothing at all only the hope of changing everything for my family. I became bum for a month. But I can’t help thinking to help my family again. Just to earn money, I worked as production operator for six months. I worked with different personalities of different ages. It's challenging though it was not that I wanted. 

As I looked back with my six years of becoming a different person, I realized things. You cannot always get what you wanted. It is God’s that will happen. God wanted me to start from the lowest. He wanted to show me the different faces of life. He wanted me to go through molding process to prepare for a greater purpose. Everything happened to me was a miracle. Then that was the time I became a student again.

A Story of A Girl (Part 1)

It all started with crying. It was my elementary graduation day. The guest speaker was telling a story. She told us a story of a poor girl who dreamt, persevered and eventually fulfilled  her dreams. She told us the different hardships of that girl before she reached her success. It was so inspiring especially when the speaker confessed that the girl was her.

That was the time I told to myself that someday I hope I could inspire people. I can relate to her experience because like her, I belonged to a poor family. I am not ashamed of the fact. Because I believe that being poor is not a sin. It is a driving force to do more good deeds and thrive for the better.   

She was an inspiration to me. Because of her, I tried to do well in High School. I tried to perform the best. I did not have problem with my academics. I used to have problems with financial. Every examination, I had to give promissory notes to my teacher just to allow me to take exams. My mind was prepared but my pocket was not. 

Every summer, I used to go with my mother in her work to earn money to buy school supplies for the next school year. I was a trimmer that time. I enjoyed working in that place because I learned new things. But still, there was always a sad part. I was touched every time, my mother was giving away hers just to spare it with me. I can still remember how we shared two pieces of "tuyo" during our lunch. But sometimes, she just ate half of it just to give me the another half. My mother is always a giving person. That's why I love her more. The only thing I can give her that time was to become the valedictorian of our batch. That was I did. I graduated as a Valedictorian of our class. I thanked the Lord for allowing me to give that gift to my mother.

Cheer Up! (Simple Thoughts...)

Breaking Up and Moving On

Breaking up is not easy. In the first place, who would like to end a relationship with someone you love? But, this thing is necessary especially when you feel that neither of you is growing. If the break up is mutual, you can find this easy, but if you were the one who have left behind, that’s a different thing. 

The good thing about breaking up is that you are opening yourself to opportunities of knowing yourself more than that person knows you. At first, you will find it hard to move on because you still cannot accept the fact that everything will be phased out. Sometimes you tended to do crazy things like the following (which are not the right things to do if you want to move on):

1. You want to see your ex even in the picture so you tend to search his Facebook account. That’s immaturity.  Seeing your ex will most likely brings out all the emotions that you want to kill. Rule #1. Avoid seeing your ex.

2. You do not want to talk to anybody about the break up and still pretend everything is going on right. Talking to your close friends is not bad at all. It is the best way so that you can release all the feelings you hold inside your heart. After all they are your friends. They will not judge you but they will help you realize that you are not losing but you are gaining. Rule #2. Talk to your close friends.  

3. You keep everything that will remind of him because you think it is the least you can do to be with him. This is crazy. It will just show you how weak you are. Keeping everything is just letting you remind of the past relationship. Letting go means putting away everything that will make you remember him and fall again to your deep hurts. Rule #3. Let go of memento.

Focus. Let go of him completely. It happens for a reason. The best thing you can do is to remember all the lessons taught in the past relationship. Just think that God is just preparing you for the right person. 

Proverbs 4:25-27 

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.

What a Wonderful Experience!

Life is really, really great! I had finished my practicum  in Bontoc, Mt. Province. Last January, I had been down about the results of my medical examination. But God is great! There was just a mistake about the chest x-ray result.  I can't still believe it. It was already done and the most important thing is that I am healthy.

Rice Terraces in Bontoc, Mt. Province

My stay in Mt. Province was very challenging. In this field experience we were able to reach out with people. In return, they showed us life in reality. These people made me realize that human ecologist has a great role in the society. As I had worked with these people, I became more concerned for their development. I became more responsive to the needs of the community. Working with them in this field experience gave me inspiration to strive more and continue what I have started as a student taking this course. 

 Children in Brgy. Lubon performing Street dancing during the fiesta in Municipality of Tadian 

LGUs of Brgy, Lubon during the parade  in Fiesta in Municipality of Tadian

Like other works that I have experienced, this practicum will be a memorable one. However, it was different because in this practicum, I saw things more clearly. I was able to apply the different things I have learned in my course subjects. I was honored to work with people with different personalities, different cultures and different beliefs that made this experience interesting.  This field experience taught us how to do things in different ways. We managed to finish the study even many trials had encountered by the team. This field experience taught us how to be more decisive and thrive well for a common goal.

HUME 198 Practicum Team 2nd sem 2011-2012 (Team Lubon) with CHARMP Staff

Every day in Mountain Province was a new learning experience that someday will help us more readily adapt to new situations. This learning experience from this practicum deepens our character and makes us more inspiring to the people around us. But it will not be the last for it is in the different experiences that we learn new things. 

Team Lubon... spelunking in Sumaging Cave, Sagada, Mt. Province

To Team Lubon, thank you for the wonderful experience. Thank you for sharing your life with me in the practicum, I learned a lot from our individual differences. I will miss the things that we did in Bontoc including household chores and the different surprises. I will never forget how we did our data gathering in Lubon, tadian. Lastly, it will always be remembered how we survived the adventure in sagada, Thank you for the friendship. I will miss you, my younger sisters and brothers. 

Team Lubon after Project Presentation

Morning with You

This morning, I did not know what to do. Then suddenly, I found myself in front of you. At first, I did not know what to say. After seconds had passed I got every words I wanted to tell. Talking as if I am a child telling a story. I even mentioned my fears. It was a relief to be with you.

I wanted to be with you always. I feel comfortable whenever I am with you. I feel loved. What is so special with you is that you know me more than others. I'm glad to be loved by you. Sometimes, we knew, we had misunderstandings but still you always forgive me. That's how much you love me. I ran away from you but you still embrace me with graces.  Morning is always special, whenever I am with you...

He Has A Greater Plan... I claimed it!

This day was unexpected. Everything ran smoothly except after I went from the hospital to have my medical examination. I haven't think of anything that will make me move differently... I was shocked when I got the results of my medical examination for my praticum. It showed that "there is a minimal infiltrate in the upper lobe of the lung. Considers bacterial infection as PTB." What??? Oh, no! This can't be. But still I stayed calm because I was with my classmates. But at the back of my mind, I asked myself, can I have my practicum given with this condition? Can I graduate or do I need to stop from studying while I am under medication?

It hurt me deeply. I waited for almost six years just to continue my studies. (To tell you, I am already 26 years old and yet I haven't finish my bachelor degree.) But before you could tell that I'm probably a delinquent student, just let me tell you this, I could say that I am not delinquent nor achiever. I am just an average one...

40% of the Filipino families are below poverty line and my family is part of the Statistics. Even I did everything to be on-time, still I was no choice but to stop when I just needed for another year to complete my course. I had to work. Unfortunately, the most jobs that I do not want are the jobs that I had. I became a sales agent of encyclopedia - walking, knocking and selling. After three years, I went to Saudi Arabia as a domestic helper- cleaning, cooking and baby-sitting. When I went back home, I became a production operator for six months. Those are the things I did to help my family financially. Though it's not enough...

Still, I had the opportunity to come back again to study. I studied hard. I completed the first semester. Currently, I'm on my last semester in college. I just need another three months. I can almost feel the smell of the grass where graduation march will be held.... then suddenly, I had this chest x-ray result.

It seems that my heart stopped pumping for a minute. I looked at the ceiling... "God, is it real?" I saw my classmates, happy with their results.I pretended I was okay even I can feel that tears may fall from my eyes. We talked as if nothing happens. We parted our ways.

As I was walking, I was still shocked and did not know what to do. I want to tell my parents about the results but I opted not for they will be upset. I looked at the sky... "Lord, what will happen to me?". Suddenly, I can feel tears falling from my eyes. I rushed to the door so that no one could notice that I was crying. When I entered my room, I burst into tears. After some minutes of crying, I found myself writing this blog.

I can see God is working with me. He gives me another blessing that will make me a stronger person. I should not worry for God has a greater plan for me. Still I should be thankful, it's still curable.