Rejection keeps on bothering me but should not

"Marami ka pa kakainin bigas"...

Wow, relatable quote for me these days... Sa dami ng mga ginagawa ko, kulang pa... I've been experiencing a lot of rejections lately... I've been receiving below-the-belt remarks. And guess what, there were times na aabot na ako sa puntong natatanong ko, ano nga ba worth ko?

But then I realized, there are just some everyone's standards. And mine perhaps does not meet their standards. Well, still, it does not mean to stop right and there and accept those things and let myself demotivated.

Haha. I admit that I let myself drown in loneliness and frustration for the past weeks and that sums up why I had to rush to the hospital and took my hydro cortisone shot.

I just told myself after I went back home that these rejections are just redirecting me to something meaningful... Who knows, di ba? Once I gave up, wala ding mangyayari. Ako lang ang talo. A friend told me that my determination led me to where I am now. Bakit ko hahayaang mawala na naman ako? I was once a lost sheep and I don't want to become one again.

Why should I let them define my worth? So what, kung they keep on rejecting me? Kung ayaw nila sa akin? "Di 'wag. I am their loss but they are not my loss.

Those places may not be the place for me. But I know, if not soon, someday I will be in a niche designed for me.

To the One who Accompanied Me in My Roller coaster Ride

That’s how I would explain my experience being with you.

I do this to remember all the good memories I had with you. I want to forget what I am going through right now. I want to feel happy rather than imbibing the sadness that would like to embrace me. Yes, I am down and I am doing this to set myself into good mood.

I knew you did those things not to convey any meaning and I really appreciate it because in the short span of time, I felt I was special. People around us told me not to believe in every special thing you’ll show me because they say that it is already part of you who can make someone fall for you especially if you think that you need the person. But I ignored them and I even accompanied you in the way I can. Three months to be exact, I felt the happiness I longed for a long time. Yes, there were times that I want to believe the people around us but deep in my heart, I felt the sincerity in everything you did to me. Though from the start, I know and it’s clear that everything was nothing. 

However, I just want to say thank you for everything you do. There were times I asked why you’re doing those things but I decided not to find the answers because I just wanted to feel the moment that some time in my life, there was someone who made me feel that I am special and I knew from the start, as clear as the sunshine that these had no other meaning... 

But I really am appreciating someone like you...

I appreciate you when you cracked jokes with the wittiness you had. I laughed probably because it was you who threw a joke.

I appreciate you when you asked me if I was still alive when I got sick as if I had a terminal disease. I did not get offended probably because it was you who asked me.

I appreciate you when you invited me to have a coffee only to find out that you just needed someone to save you from your long hour business meeting… I did not get mad probably because it was you who invited me. 
There were times that I was on a bliss because of you...

But there were also times that I was in pain just being with you.  

Being with you is like a roller coaster ride...

And I am thankful for that roller coaster ride probably because it was you who accompanied me. 

A Freely Heart in A Glimpse of Pain

Memories of pain…

“I can still remember how I prayed and wished for someone who can teach me how to love and there you were. You came not just to teach but more than what I had asked and you gave the love i need that’s still here.

Did I ever tell you I like the way you called me “Windi”? You showed the child in me that I did not see. You stood not just as a brother but more than a best friend for me and you did everything just to see me happy.

But things were not easy and we knew that there is time for everything. So we had no choice but to embrace it with our own understanding. We were in different worlds and met in difficult time but still I’m hoping everything will be ours in due time.

And on your special day what’s all i can say is that I’m ever thankful I became part of you. In you, I can talk and take stand what I believe is true. In you, I can walk and surpass what I am going through. In you, I can paint colors in life that i used to see as blue. And in you I can see more things to be grateful of, too.

I keep on loving you, that’s all I can do for it is my pleasure and part of my dream is being with you. When everyone is going to count you out, I’m always here to ring the bell for you.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

It’s been two years since I wrote this for someone. Yes, I have loved him so much. I did not know I can do different things because of loving him. I did not know I can draw faces until I finished drawing his face. I used to be happy with him as if there’s no tomorrow. But life is not what you expect. The person that used to be my hero became a villain. The person that used to build my dreams tore me down. The person that used to make me laugh made me cry my heart out.

I was the only one who wanted to grasp what we had. It’s selfishness. I wanted to build the plans that we made for us but the truth is he wanted to build the plans with someone else. I was not the one for him. It’s the reality that has bitten me and almost crushed me.

I cried a lot. There was a time that I suddenly burst into tears. Yes, I have loved him so much but I realized I was not free. I am imprisoned with so much insecurity. I am covered with fear…an indication that there was something wrong. I opened my eyes. I listened to my heart.

It’s about time to free myself.

I underwent so much pain because of him but I don’t have any hatred in my heart. Like what Martin Luther King Jr. is saying “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great burden to bear.”  Everyone has a choice. This is my choice. For some reasons, I don’t want to fill my heart with so much anger. Yes, I admit that I was torn into pieces because of what happened. But it is in forgiving that you can be free.

Two years had passed. And yet all the memories are still fresh but the pain that used to stab my heart is now fading. In my heart, I know I am slowly getting to what my heart desires… to be free…

All I have to do is to apologize because I knew I also had caused him so much pain; to forgive him for everything and to forget… not to forget him but to forget all the wrongs that he did. After all, he was part of myself of becoming a better person…

And always believe to like what James Allen is saying “in the ocean of life the isle of blessedness are smiling and the sunny shore of your ideals awaits your coming”.

True love waits… in a long run, you’ll meet the person who is meant for you…

HH 101

Ang lungkot ng panahon, naririnig mo ang pagpatak ng ulan kaalinsabay ng tibok ng puso mong bumibilis at minsang animo’y hihinto. Naguguluhan ka na naman ba? Naiintindihan kita. Natatakot ka na naman noh? May nangyari na naman ba or may naringgan ka na naman ba?

Gusto mo ba ng makakausap? Yun tipong, pakikinggan ka lang at hindi ka huhusgahan? Gusto mo ba ng dadamay sa’yo upang maibsan ang pighati na nasa iyong katauhan? ‘Wag kang ganyan. Matalino ka, pero asan na? Bakit mo hinahayaang manguna ang puso mo kaysa sa utak? Tandaan mo, ang utak nasa ulo, ang puso nasa dibdib, ibig sabihin, mas gamitin mo ang utak mo kaysa puso. Kung hindi yan para sa’yo, di yan mapapasaiyo. Kung mapasa’yo man, panandalian lang ang kasiyahan.

Ang buhay, parang laro yan. Dapat marunong ka, dahil kung hindi matatalo ka.  Sa mundong ito, dapat marunong kang sumabay sa agos, dahil kung hindi lalamunin ka ng mundo. Magpakatatag ka. Hindi ka dapat sumusuko. Ilang beses ka ba na iiyak? Hindi mo ba alam, na sa bawat luhang pumapatak sa iyong mga mata, higit ang sakit na aking nadarama. Gusto kitang pangitiin pero hindi mo naman ako nakikita. Ano bang problema?

Alam ko, mahal mo ang iyong pamilya. Pero kung minsan, kailangan mo rin asikasuhin ang sarili mo. Alagaan ang sarili, dahil isa rin iyan sa puhunan mo. Pag bumigay ang katawan mo, paano mo pa matutulungan ang mga nanay? Wag mong hayaang lamunin ng utak mo ang katawan mo… Manghihina ka niyan.

Ang pag-ibig di mo masabi kung kailan dumarating. Paano kang magmamahal kung hindi mo naman mahal ang sarili mo? Ilang beses ka ng nasaktan dahil sa nangyayari. Pero ikaw pa mismo ang gumagawa ng ikasasakit mo. Tandaan mo, ang tulad mo iniingatan, inaalagaan. Pero sa ginagawa mong ‘yan, sinisira mo ang buhay mo.

Mag-isip ka. Hindi sa lahat kailangan mong maging ideal, mapatrabaho man o mapakung anuman. Gumising ka sa katotohanan. Dapat marunong kang dumiskarte. Kung hindi, mamatay kang nakadilat ang mata. Baka ang mission mo sa buhay na ito ay tumulong sa mga  nangangailangan. Kailangan ka ng pamilya mo. Kailangan mong magpakatatag.

Bakit hindi ka makapagsalita? Kung dito ka lang magtatrabaho, walang mangyayari sayo. Mag-isip ka. Timbangin mo ang mga bagay-bagay. Bata ka pa, marami ka pang magagawa at marami ka pang matutulungan. Ano man nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, magpakatatag ka. Manalig ka lang sa Kanya dahil ginagabayan ka niya.

-HH, 2009

Ewan ko Sa'yo, Ang Gulo mo!

Kung minsan, kailangan mong masaktan bago ka may matutunan.Life is fair di tulad ng sinasabi ng karamihan. Oo, umiiyak ka pero hindi ibig sabihin, mahina ka na. Isa lang itong paraan upang makawala ang anu man nilalaman ng iyong puso. Sa isang pagkakaibigan, nagkakatampuhan, natural lang yan. Nag-aasaran, natural lang yan. Ang isang relasyon na wala man lang kaunting pait, iba na ata yan. Baka hindi pala yan "Crafted by God". 

Bigla akong napahinto... ano nga bang meron ako? Gusto kong lumayo, una kong naisip. Mahirap magpigil, baka biglang sumabog, at hindi mamalayang saan na pala ako dalhin ng aking mga paa. Nilibot ng tingin ang paligid. Hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Nakakainis! idinidikta ng aking isip. Nakakapagod, daing ng aking katawan. kahit puso ko'y, naipong galit ibig ipahayag. Subalit bumulagta ang katotohanang ang hina ko pala. Sa liit ng mga panahong muli ay nakasama, ang kitid ng espasyong aking inilalaan sa kanya.Ngayon ko napagtanto, hindi ako nag-iisa, siya man at sila ay nakakaramdam din pero kahit magkaganun man, nakukuha nilang maging masaya na kasama siya. Bakit nga ba dagling nilimot ang magaganda sa kanya at tanging kabaligtaran ang pilit na inaalala? Mahina ka! Nagpupumiglas na salita. 

Masyado kang makasarili. Masyado kang naging manhid. Ang taong katulad niya, bibihirang makakahanap ka. Minsang magpapangiti at magpapaiyak. Kumpleto na! Isang taong aalalahanin ka may kailangan sayo o wala. Hindi mo man aminin, nararamdaman mong minamahal ka rin niya.

Sa paglabo ng paningin dahil sa pagluha, ay siya namang paglinaw ng lahat sa aking gunita... 

A Story of A Girl (Part 2) Journey begins...

"There can be miracles, when you believe." A miracle is a miracle. Love and blessings abound. I can say that I am truly blessed. God loves me so much that He let me experienced hardships. He let me bore so much pain. He let me broke my heart and torn into pieces. 

There was a time, I felt worthless. I was like a person who has taken away her dream. I felt helpless. I had to do things against my will. The most fearful thing I had never imagined. I stopped being a student.

I thought of responsibility... responsibility of helping my family financially. I worked hard and yet was not enough. I worked as a sales representative. I knocked every house just to earn money for my sister's tuition fee. Under the heat of the sun, with the dust clinging to my skin I endured it just to earn hundreds. 

Three years in that company was not a good thing. One friend of mine thought of my future so he helped me to leave the Philippines. But who have thought that being a domestic helper was the solution just to escape the reality of being a sales agent (one day millionaire). I left with a heavy heart in a second time around. 

I went to Saudi Arabia with the hopes of saving money for my family. I love my family so much that I will do everything for them. Working in faraway kingdom was very hard. Every night was terrible. I always cry. But even I cried as hard as I could, nothing changed. I was a domestic helper who just earned ten thousand pesos. I wanted to give up. I told to myself, this was not the thing I wanted for my life. My mind wanted to give up. My body weakened and even my tear duct wanted to surrender. Every night I talked to God and ask why? But I never listened to Him.

I went home with my mind full of whys. I went home with nothing at all only the hope of changing everything for my family. I became bum for a month. But I can’t help thinking to help my family again. Just to earn money, I worked as production operator for six months. I worked with different personalities of different ages. It's challenging though it was not that I wanted. 

As I looked back with my six years of becoming a different person, I realized things. You cannot always get what you wanted. It is God’s that will happen. God wanted me to start from the lowest. He wanted to show me the different faces of life. He wanted me to go through molding process to prepare for a greater purpose. Everything happened to me was a miracle. Then that was the time I became a student again.

A Story of A Girl (Part 1)

It all started with crying. It was my elementary graduation day. The guest speaker was telling a story. She told us a story of a poor girl who dreamt, persevered and eventually fulfilled  her dreams. She told us the different hardships of that girl before she reached her success. It was so inspiring especially when the speaker confessed that the girl was her.

That was the time I told to myself that someday I hope I could inspire people. I can relate to her experience because like her, I belonged to a poor family. I am not ashamed of the fact. Because I believe that being poor is not a sin. It is a driving force to do more good deeds and thrive for the better.   

She was an inspiration to me. Because of her, I tried to do well in High School. I tried to perform the best. I did not have problem with my academics. I used to have problems with financial. Every examination, I had to give promissory notes to my teacher just to allow me to take exams. My mind was prepared but my pocket was not. 

Every summer, I used to go with my mother in her work to earn money to buy school supplies for the next school year. I was a trimmer that time. I enjoyed working in that place because I learned new things. But still, there was always a sad part. I was touched every time, my mother was giving away hers just to spare it with me. I can still remember how we shared two pieces of "tuyo" during our lunch. But sometimes, she just ate half of it just to give me the another half. My mother is always a giving person. That's why I love her more. The only thing I can give her that time was to become the valedictorian of our batch. That was I did. I graduated as a Valedictorian of our class. I thanked the Lord for allowing me to give that gift to my mother.