A Freely Heart in A Glimpse of Pain

Memories of pain…

“I can still remember how I prayed and wished for someone who can teach me how to love and there you were. You came not just to teach but more than what I had asked and you gave the love i need that’s still here.

Did I ever tell you I like the way you called me “Windi”? You showed the child in me that I did not see. You stood not just as a brother but more than a best friend for me and you did everything just to see me happy.

But things were not easy and we knew that there is time for everything. So we had no choice but to embrace it with our own understanding. We were in different worlds and met in difficult time but still I’m hoping everything will be ours in due time.

And on your special day what’s all i can say is that I’m ever thankful I became part of you. In you, I can talk and take stand what I believe is true. In you, I can walk and surpass what I am going through. In you, I can paint colors in life that i used to see as blue. And in you I can see more things to be grateful of, too.

I keep on loving you, that’s all I can do for it is my pleasure and part of my dream is being with you. When everyone is going to count you out, I’m always here to ring the bell for you.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

It’s been two years since I wrote this for someone. Yes, I have loved him so much. I did not know I can do different things because of loving him. I did not know I can draw faces until I finished drawing his face. I used to be happy with him as if there’s no tomorrow. But life is not what you expect. The person that used to be my hero became a villain. The person that used to build my dreams tore me down. The person that used to make me laugh made me cry my heart out.

I was the only one who wanted to grasp what we had. It’s selfishness. I wanted to build the plans that we made for us but the truth is he wanted to build the plans with someone else. I was not the one for him. It’s the reality that has bitten me and almost crushed me.

I cried a lot. There was a time that I suddenly burst into tears. Yes, I have loved him so much but I realized I was not free. I am imprisoned with so much insecurity. I am covered with fear…an indication that there was something wrong. I opened my eyes. I listened to my heart.

It’s about time to free myself.

I underwent so much pain because of him but I don’t have any hatred in my heart. Like what Martin Luther King Jr. is saying “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great burden to bear.”  Everyone has a choice. This is my choice. For some reasons, I don’t want to fill my heart with so much anger. Yes, I admit that I was torn into pieces because of what happened. But it is in forgiving that you can be free.

Two years had passed. And yet all the memories are still fresh but the pain that used to stab my heart is now fading. In my heart, I know I am slowly getting to what my heart desires… to be free…

All I have to do is to apologize because I knew I also had caused him so much pain; to forgive him for everything and to forget… not to forget him but to forget all the wrongs that he did. After all, he was part of myself of becoming a better person…

And always believe to like what James Allen is saying “in the ocean of life the isle of blessedness are smiling and the sunny shore of your ideals awaits your coming”.

True love waits… in a long run, you’ll meet the person who is meant for you…